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GOOD ENGLISH IS GOOD BUSINESS
B2B and Trade Publications
The
two most engaging powers of an author are to make
new
things familiar, and familiar things new. — Samuel
Johnson
In his famous essay “Politics and the English Language”
(1948) George Orwell cautioned writers against allowing
prefabricated phrases to do their thinking for them.
Publications that target specific audiences depend on
advertising to pay the bills. They depend on writers to
win and keep readers. Editors aid that effort by
tightening sentence structure, trimming excess words,
and cutting jargon.
The following are before and after samples from
Immersed: The International Technical Diving Magazine.
Original |
Revised |
The day when a diver can press a simple button to call
for help sits on the horizon is taking shape on the
drawing board.
25 words
There is a critical philosophy in making all maps: any
map or drawing should be simple and easy to
understand. Without this, the chance for confusion and
misunderstand increase immensely. A cluttered map will
be difficult for the reader to interpret.
41 words |
The day draws near when a diver can press a simple
button to call for help.
16 words
The test of a good map is whether it is simple and
easy to understand.
15 words |
What is the
purpose of your message? What is the best way to say it?
Persuasive
Pen wrote a list for Worldwide Biz Club.
Original |
Revised |
We are pleased to inform you that now your web page on
XXX.com has been up dated.
Following are the up grades.
-
Your offers posted directly on your home page.
-
SHOWCASE of your products on your home page, with
pictures.
-
You can start an AUCTION to sell your products right
from your home page.
-
With XXX's new Affiliate program, you will earn 25%
referral fee for every new member who joins XXX,
through your web site. (80 words)
|
Now upgrade your home page:
-
POST offers directly.
-
SHOWCASE products AND pictures.
-
AUCTION products.
AND
-
EARN a 25% referral fee for every new member who
joins XXX through your web site with XXX's new
Affiliate program. (40 words)
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Ever been blind-sided by business blurbology?
Original |
Revised |
We wanted to release something that could be sold
easily, but that will also help at eventually
up-selling
Discover. |
We
wanted to release something easy to sell that will
eventually help
outsell
Discover.
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Many have neither the time nor the contacts to
source
product
via unfamiliar distribution channels. |
Many have neither time nor
contacts to obtain
products through
unfamiliar distribution channels. |
Distributors and brokers are not stuck to lead times,
since
product
is
sourced
through surplus inventory from manufacturers or other
distributors who have it in stock. |
Distributors and brokers don’t depend on lead times,
since they
obtain
the product
through manufacturers’ and distributors’ surplus
inventory. |
In Japan and everywhere else in the world, good
advertising = clear English.
Original |
Revised |
A would like to indicate B to order an advertisement
at following conditions.
A would provide necessary information for
advertisement immediately when there is a request from
B. B would be provided with necessary reporting from
A, and B would be totally responsible for the contents
of advertisement. As A receive the indicated amount B,
it should make immediate payment to the contracting
advertisement agency. |
For purposes of these instructions, the client is
known as “A” and the contracting advertisement agency
is known as “B.” When A wants to order an
advertisement, it provides B the necessary information
authorizing scope and size. B is totally responsible
for creating the content of the advertisement. When B
has returned to A the agreed upon amount of
advertisement content, A is expected to make immediate
payment to B. |
Because there are variety in this collection, you can
enjoy the color coordination of kimono and bags. |
|
Handbags coordinated with kimonoe. This is the new
joy of kimono. Bag |
Handbags coordinated with kimonos subtly set off the
understated elegance of this traditional wear.
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Testimonials:
June 2009:
Your proof-reading skill is excellent. My friend (a
journalist) has looked at your corrections and you
haven’t missed out on a single mistake. Very few
copyeditors have this level of skill and attention to
details.
Lei Wang
http://www.paynoadvertising.com
July 2005
I have never been more satisfied with editing than I am
with your refined descriptions of ancient Korean culture
and archaeology for the display panels at the National
Museum of Korea. I knew you were a real professional
from seeing the examples on your Web site. But wow...
your work is really wonderful!
Joon-Young Park, translator
Persuasive Pen
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All rights reserved. |
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