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GOOD ENGLISH IS GOOD BUSINESS

B2B and Trade Publications

 The two most engaging powers of an author are to make
new things familiar, and familiar things new. — Samuel Johnson

In his famous essay “Politics and the English Language” (1948) George Orwell cautioned writers against allowing prefabricated phrases to do their thinking for them.

Publications that target specific audiences depend on advertising to pay the bills. They depend on writers to win and keep readers. Editors aid that effort by tightening sentence structure, trimming excess words, and cutting jargon.

 The following are before and after samples from Immersed: The International Technical Diving Magazine.

Original

Revised

The day when a diver can press a simple button to call for help sits on the horizon is taking shape on the drawing board. 25 words
There is a critical philosophy in making all maps: any map or drawing should be simple and easy to understand. Without this, the chance for confusion and misunderstand increase immensely. A cluttered map will be difficult for the reader to interpret.
41 words

The day draws near when a diver can press a simple button to call for help. 16 words
The test of a good map is whether it is simple and easy to understand.
15 words

What is the purpose of your message? What is the best way to say it?

Persuasive Pen wrote a list for Worldwide Biz Club.

Original

Revised

We are pleased to inform you that now your web page on XXX.com has been up dated.

 Following are the up grades.

  1. Your offers posted directly on your home page.

  2. SHOWCASE of your products on your home page, with pictures.

  3. You can start an AUCTION to sell your products right from your home page.

  4. With XXX's new Affiliate program, you will earn 25% referral fee for every new member who joins XXX, through your web site. (80 words)

Now upgrade your home page: 

  1. POST offers directly.

  2. SHOWCASE products AND pictures.

  3. AUCTION products.

    AND
     

  4. EARN a 25% referral fee for every new member who joins XXX through your web site with XXX's new Affiliate program.  (40 words)

 

Ever been blind-sided by business blurbology?

Original

Revised

We wanted to release something that could be sold easily, but that will also help at eventually up-selling Discover.

We wanted to release something easy to sell that will eventually help outsell Discover.

 

Many have neither the time nor the contacts to source product via unfamiliar distribution channels. Many have neither time nor contacts to obtain products through unfamiliar distribution channels.

Distributors and brokers are not stuck to lead times, since product is sourced through surplus inventory from manufacturers or other distributors who have it in stock.

Distributors and brokers don’t depend on lead times, since they obtain the product through manufacturers’ and distributors’ surplus inventory.

In Japan and everywhere else in the world, good advertising = clear English.

Original

Revised

A would like to indicate B to order an advertisement at following conditions.

A would provide necessary information for advertisement immediately when there is a request from B.  B would be provided with necessary reporting from A, and B would be totally responsible for the contents of advertisement. As A receive the indicated amount B, it should make immediate payment to the contracting advertisement agency.

For purposes of these instructions, the client is known as “A” and the contracting advertisement agency is known as “B.” When A wants to order an advertisement, it provides B the necessary information authorizing scope and size. B is totally responsible for creating the content of the advertisement. When B has returned to A the agreed upon amount of advertisement content, A is expected to make immediate payment to B.

Because there are variety in this collection, you can enjoy the color coordination of kimono and bags.

Variety in this collection coordinates colors with both formal and casual wear.

Handbags coordinated with kimonoe.  This is the new joy of kimono.  Bag Handbags coordinated with kimonos subtly set off the understated elegance of this traditional wear. 

Testimonials:

June 2009:

Your proof-reading skill is excellent. My friend (a journalist) has looked at your corrections and you haven’t missed out on a single mistake. Very few copyeditors have this level of skill and attention to details.

Lei Wang

http://www.paynoadvertising.com


July 2005

I have never been more satisfied with editing than I am with your refined descriptions of ancient Korean culture and archaeology for the display panels at the National Museum of Korea. I knew you were a real professional from seeing the examples on your Web site. But wow... your work is really wonderful!

Joon-Young Park, translator

Persuasive Pen
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